Celebs, Hot Celebrities, Celebrity Pictures

Avril wasn't happy with the photographers as she was existing Hyde night-club, so she spit on them. I don't know what she expects. Hyde is one of the biggest "it" spots in LA, and everyone knows all the paparazzi wait outside to take pictures. That's like getting mad at a seal for balancing a ball on it's nose, or being pissed when you get herpes from a street walker. These are all things that go with the territory.

Big time drug addict, Robert Downey Jr, has been cast to play Iron Man for the upcoming Marvel movie, which will be distributed by Paramount.

The report explains: "Based upon Marvel's iconic Super Hero, the film will follow billionaire weapons-manufacturer, Tony Stark (Downey Jr.), who confronts the sins of his past after he is injured by one of his own weapons. Equipped with a high-tech suit of armor, he becomes Iron Man to combat evil on a global scale."

I'm glad to see Downey took time out of his very time consuming drug use to make a movie. I actually forgot this guy was still an actor. I once heard the amount of cocaine he does in one hour can kill a elephant. And elephants are big. True story.

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Lindsay Lohan still hasn't made good on her promise to the chauffeur who recently found her extremely expensive bag. As you remember, Tom Webster found her missing Hermes bag that was stuffed with $1 million worth of jewelry and her asthma medicine. Lohan's rep promised him a reward or a thank you note, but he still hasn't received it.

Webster told Page Six: "They haven't gotten back to me. Not a word. She seems like a nice girl and she was pleased to get the bag back - it was full of diamonds and bracelets and necklaces. But it's really disappointing. I'd like to hear from her with maybe just a 'thanks very much.' Her people took my address and phone number and said they'd be in touch. I know these stars need a good looking-after, but she could have easily just spoke to me on the phone."

Lohan's publicist, Leslie Sloane, responded with: "I will look into that matter, but I wonder why they'd call a newspaper and not just call me. I think they obviously want free publicity using Lindsay's name."

I'm sure I'd be pretty upset too, if I was promised a reward and didn't get one. The guy basically returned one million dollars to her, and hasn't even got a homemade computer card. I'd at least want a thank you blow job, or even a quick hand job in the back seat.

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One of the things that makes Victoria Beckham a great person, is her ability to show massive cleavage at any event she attends. If Victoria showed up in this dress looking for a new liver for her cat, I'd cut mine out with a butter knife before she finished the sentence.

The first clip of the Screech sex tape has been leaked, and it's basically boring at this point. In the clip he's mostly bragging about wiping his shit on a girl's face. My mom taught me that's always something to be proud of. Classy girls love shit mustaches, even the one's on the titanic. And they're really classy. They had on hats.

Simon Cowell has come forward to trash Clay Aiken for his recent admittance that he takes Paxil to deal with fame. Simon figures Clay is just being a baby.

He said:"Oh give me a break. Let me have a choice, I'm going to work in a coal mine for 14 hours a day or I'm going to be a runner-up on 'American Idol.' Give me a break, idiot. They're not working for a living, they're becoming famous ... no one's put a gun to their head ... Clay, whatever he may have said, would not swap what he's got now for what he had three years ago."

This is one of the best things Simon has said in a long time, and I almost want to cross his name out and just pretend I said it. I know from experience what he's talking about. I may not be famous, but I work in coal mines for a living. The black lung has plagued my family since my great grandfather died of it. It's a tuff life working in a cave, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

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The speculation has finally come to an end as Harry Morton basically calls Lindsay Lohan a liar. Despite Lohan's claim that they are still dating, Morton claims they have officially broken up.

Morton told US news: "We're just sort of taking a little breather right now and slowing things down." The restaurateur admits the pressure he felt following speculation he'd bought the Mean Girls star an engagement ring helped him make his decision. He adds, "A lot of people started saying we're engaged and it put a lot of pressure on things. We need a little space... I'm a very private person. I'm sure she (Lohan) has dealt with it (publicity) for years but it puts a lot of pressure on me."

There's a lot of things I understand in this world, but I will never understand how some taco worker can break up with Lindsay Lohan. Hate her if you will, but being an heir to a taco chain isn't as appealing as you may think. It's right up there with being the heir to a air conditioner store, or whip cream factory.

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It's not common that you meet someone with the fashion sense of Kirsten Dunst. I'm not sure what thrift shop Kirsten gets her clothes from, but this isn't helping their business. And I'm not 100 percent sure if she's aware of this, but I think there's a family of sparrows living in her hair, and that's not the worst part. The worst part is that she's wearing my grandmother's shoes. You bitch! Give my grandma back her shoes!

Take a few deep breaths before you watch this. After her lawyer gives his dramatic pause, he reveals the unbelievable truth. That he is, in fact, the father. Seriously, who didn't think these two were banging since her reality show.

The good thing about Kate is that you never have to worry about how she's going to look in a bikini. And it's really acceptable for her to wear a bikini anywhere. She can wear it to a formal dinner, an execution, a funeral, or even the beach. It really doesn't matter.

It has been confirmed that Dustin Diamond (aka Screech) has made a sex tape. The sex scene is a 40 minute three way with two women, and they say it is extremely kinky.

A source says: "We can't get too graphic here, but word is that the action includes some bodily functions and an act known as a Dirty Sanchez. I haven't seen the tape. I've heard rumors. Dustin has been trying to escape the Screech typecast. So this may help me get more bookings."

Most people don't lead a sex life as exciting as mine, so if you aren't aware what a dirty shanchez is, go here. It's basically wiping your shit on someone's upper lip, which makes it look like they have a mustache. It's a very classy English tradition I hear. Tea, crumpets, and a shit mustache. If we could only all be like them, but with better teeth.

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Despite what CNN reported and what you may have read on other sites, Nicole Richie has not checked into a rehab for a eating disorder. You may have forgotten, but me and Nicole go way back. I've been myspace friends with her for two days, and she wrote this blog late last night.

"Contrary to CNN's false accusations, I did not check myself into an eating disorder rehab. I dont know why or how this rumor started, but i am home, in LA, and very happy. I do not have an eating disorder, and I don't know how many times I have to say it. Ive repeated myself so many times, I feel like a broken record. Who ever started this rumor is evil and mean, but its not true. I am happy, and healthy, and living my life."

I don't know too much about eating disorders, but I'm pretty sure fat girls need them. Nicole is really skinny, but what kind of message do we want to send her? That she should be fat? No. I'd rather be able to play her ribs like a xylophone instead of using her fatness as an extra bean bag chair.

Paris Hilton is extremely close to signing a deal to promote Ecoist.com, which makes no sense, because they are an eco-friendly accessories company. The executives at the company are getting nervous, because they feel she's too stupid. For every recycled fashion product that people buy online, Ecoist.com plants a tree through an organization called Trees for the Future.

A source claims:“Ecoist is hoping that Paris will join them in October on a trip to Port-Au-Prince to plant more than 40,000 trees. But when she was told about the trip, Paris had no idea where Haiti was. When she was told that they speak French there [along with Creole], she said, I wouldn’t mind spending a few days there and the weekend in Paris.”

I'm really starting to believe Paris is a good candidate for electro shock therapy. I know it may sound extreme too some, but maybe we can reset her. I do have a medical degree that I made with construction paper and a blue crayon, so I'm speaking from a medical standpoint. Or we can try a new form of therapy called, "drowning." It works simple. You just hold the person's head under water until they stop breathing. Works every time.

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Mel Gibson recently made comments drawing parallels between Mayan culture shortly before it collapsed and America’s current situation. He even brought up the subject of sacrifice.

He said: “the precursors to a civilization that’s going under are the same, time and time again. What’s human sacrifice if not sending guys off to Iraq for no reason?”

I can't remember the last time I cared about anything Mel Gibson said. He was much cooler when he was drinking, and nobody cares about his stupid doomsday prophecies. If Mel didn't have millions of dollars, he'd be the homeless guy on the side of the street holding a cardboard sign that says, "the end is near, seek salvation from Jesus." But we all know Mel takes 7 shots of Jesus' blood when he goes up to drink the wine. And yes, it's wine folks.

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Russell Crowe is offended by rumors that he will play Steven Irwin in the Crocodile Hunter's biopic. Crowe, who is a close friend of Irwin, said he was angry at suggestions that he would cash in on his friend's tragic death.

Crow claims:"“(The idea is) appalling to me. It offends me very deeply, so awful that I have to deal with millions of people thinking I would dance on my friend's grave." Finally he got to the serious stuff: "“What people really don't understand about Steven is... Steven was, first and foremost, a conservationist, probably the most individually active conservationist in the world. What he stood for was far more than being the funny guy on TV. Serious people at serious universities realized who he really was."

Serious people at serious universities? Is that the best Crow can come up with? If I'm ever killed by a stingray - which can't happen because I'm too afraid to touch a gold fish - people better come up with something better than that to say or I'll roll over in my grave. At this point, Crow doesn't even deserve to play Irwin, he's as unfunny as Perez. But doesn't suck as much cock.

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Sexy Georgina Walker in Maxim.-- Hit up Gorillamask.

Paris and Nicole friends again?-- Get at D-listed.

Interview with "a man with Lindsay."-- Check out Drunkenstepfather.

Hilary Duff wants plastic surgery?-- Go bother Nosy Snoop.

Kelly Brook in new lingerie photo shoot!-- Jerk off at Save Manny.

Lindsay Lohan is in Malibu.-- Hang with In Case You Didn't Know.

David Hasselhoff made a fake suicide call.-- Slide to TMZ.

Fearless movie review.-- Flirt with my girl Reese.

Most people are pretty aware that American stars do commercials in Japan, so they can sell out and not be hated by Americans. I'm not going to pretend to know why Nicholas Cage screams "fever" throughout the entire commercial, but he seems really excited about it.

Lindsay Lohan was at Dragonfly nightclub in Hollywood Sunday evening, and sources claim she was making out with Paris Hilton's ex-boyfriend, Stavros Niarchos. It happened inside the club, and when the two came out, Lindsay ran to her SUV with Greek shipping heir Stavros right behind her. Lindsay got really upset when she was questioned about this.

When the TMZ cameraman asked: "Lindsay, how was your make out session?" Lindsay responded with "Fuck off and die."

You can watch the entire video of the events I just mentioned here. Anyways, it appears Lindsay has the best ways to get even with her enemies, have sex with their ex-boyfriends. I'm just upset I rarely meet girls with morals that low. Between the girls I meet at the physics lab and hookers I meet on the street, I find the hookers are more honest. At least they know their place in the world. Smart girls think they're just as good as men. Silly girl, go make me a sandwich.

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Most people don't even realize who Danni Minogue is, and it's because she's a horrible Austrailian singer/actress. As much as I love seeing girls soak themselves in water, I'm not sure this girl is even real. She's from Australia. Have you ever even met anyone that's been to Australia? I'm pretty sure it's a land of fantasy where kids ride around in Kangaroo pouches and men slay dragons for beautiful princesses.

If I hear one more person say, "Oh my god, that Rosie O'Donnell is a great new addition to The View," I will probably kick them in the face. I'm not kidding. This is the stupidest show in the world, and I would rather get anally raped by a elephant before I laughed at any of their stupid jokes. Everybody thinks this Elmo clip is hilarious, but if you think that, cut off your balls. This whole show makes me sick to my stomach. losers.

Scarlett Johansson was very scared before having her first Brazilian wax. When she came in to New York's Oasis Day Spa recently, she was "a nervous wreck."

When Scarlett removed her clothes, a source revealed: "The waxing crew couldn't stop admiring her body."

I'm pretty sure seeing Scarlett Johansson remove her clothes has to be a big event, whether it's in a bedroom, day spa, or autopsy room. It's one of those things that never gets old, and is always appreciated. Much like peanut butter cups. You can never get tired of those, unless you're a communist.

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Lindsay Lohan and Harry Morton broke up Thursday night, but some say they are speaking again. Basically, everyone is saying something different.

Lohan's rep claims: "They are together now." But a source tells People magazine:"Harry broke up with Lindsay yesterday at Chateau Marmont after they had dinner on the courtyard patio. Nothing happened at dinner, but shortly afterward, he broke up with her. She was too much drama,Lindsay did cut down on the partying, but with her it's all relative. Harry is sober. It wasn't the partying that broke them up. Harry's more low-key and not into the same stuff she's into." However, Lohan's friend says: "No one 'dumped' anyone. You don't dump people when you're 20 and 25. You have a mature relationship, and you take a break and you see what happens. Everyone does that."

The reason I never get dumped is because I have the old fashioned charm of a southern gentlemen, and I'm a Kung Fu champion. I can even punch through a piece of wood. With my hand! Anyways, Lindsay is pretty much fair game at this point. If nobody can agree on anything, she's Ms. Rebound.

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Jessica Simpson's father has convinced her to back him in a chain of restaurants based on the character she played in the Dukes of Hazzard. The restaurant chain will be called Daisy Duke's, and they will serve fried food while having waitresses walk around like turbo skanks.

A source told America's Life and Style Weekly magazine: "Joe's going to make a lot of money from this. The flagship eatery will open in Las Vegas' Caesar's Palace next year, and Jessica will reportedly commit to make at least five appearances at the venue each year."

I've never been too excited over any of these Hooters type restaurants. Not only does the food suck, but if the girls won't lick my ass I don't even want to talk to them. And don't tell me the buffalo wings are good. They're as overrated as Perez Hilton.

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This is the Dateline NBC footage of Paris Hilton being questioned by the police. I have to admit, when I reported about it yesterday, I didn't totally believe some of the quotes, but listen for yourself. I would pick a mute frog over her if I needed a partner for a Academic decathlon.

Barbra Streisand, who is 64 years old, forgot her bra while attending the Clinton Global Initiative in New York. I don't know who she thinks she's seducing, but it's not me. I'm pretty sure if I was driving at night -and she was standing in the middle of the road yelling for help - I'd run straight into her for fear that she was some deadly new breed of gorilla.

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Jessica Alba has been voted the woman that most men want to make out with.

The Sun reports: "Her gorgeous body and perfect features had already made her a sensation among male fans, but now another one of her many assets - her perfect pout helped Jessica beat off competition from Angelina Jolie's luscious lips to top a new poll by Colgate to mark Oral Health Month. "

Look. My penis decided a long time ago that it wants to make out with Jessica Alba, so I really don't care what kind of poll was done. My penis is like an unbiased group of judges and officials that can not be bought. And we will never surrender!

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You probably already know this, but Tara Reid checked into a Beverly Hills clinic on September 7 to have her first set of implants replaced with smaller ones. Anyways, these are pictures of her from the Vintage LA 2006 fashion show.

At first I was going to say they look a lot smaller, but now I'm not so sure. This is unbelievable, because she doesn't look like a fall down drunk in these pictures. I'm just waiting for her look to change a little. I feel like every time I see her it looks like she spent the last 45 minutes swallowing pieces of glass.

According to a survey conducted by my mom, I know everything there is to know about women, and I'm a great catch. I'm pretty sure that pink underwear don't seduce supermodels the same way my neon purple butterfly underwear do, but their obsession with me might have to do with other factors. Things like my G.I Joe bed sheets and Saved by the Bell posters.

I've waited two days to post about this because I'm waiting for Kristin's people to come out and say whether or not this is a fake myspace. A bunch of sites are taking it as fact right now, mostly because of the hot and slutty candid pictures that are up. If I ever get married, I'd cheat on my wife with Kristin Cavallari without thinking twice. Even if she was in the same room with me, I'd take off my ring and throw it at my wife's face, than punch her in the stomach. You can see her myspace here, which has a bunch of different pictures and other shit. I already left her a comment, so I'm hoping she'll leave me one on my page since I'm a sexy hunk.

Jackass star Bam Margera has brought back rumors that he banged Jessica Simpson while she was still married. While on the Howard Stern show two days ago, Stern interrogated Margera about Simpson, asking about the night the two spent together.

Margera claims they: "wound up at her parents house drinking margaritas and it went from there" and said afterwards he "left at eight in the morning". When Stern asked Margera if Simpson looked good naked, he said she had a personal trainer for the film adding: "Yeah, she looked good. I can't deny that!"

I'm going to pray that this isn't true, because if it is, I'm going to jab my penis into a cactus. Anything that can remove the thought of Bam sleeping with one of the hottest girls in the world. I mean the guy skate boards for Christ sake. That's as cool as playing the air guitar and drinking Zima.

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Jackass star, Steve-O, was on the Howard Stern show yesterday and admitted that he never actually had sex with Nicole Richie, but he did jerk off on her back while she was sleeping.

He said: "She had her back to me and she was dead asleep when I rubbed the first one out. I was, like, trying to wake her up when I was rubbing one out ... and ultimately I squeezed her hard enough the second two times she was totally awake. She never rolled over to face me. I was being so careful not to offend her in anyway because I wanted to be in those tabloid magazines!" When asked if he had a problem with her being too skinny, he said: "I didn't care what she fuckin' ate. I think she looks a lot damn better skinny than fat!"

When historians look back at the great men of our generation, I'm sure Steve-O will be mentioned along with presidents, astronauts, and sexy female detectives. Jerking off on a girl's back while she is sleeping has to be one of the cooler things ever. The only things cooler are New Balance sneakers and masturbating on her face. And ankle socks.

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In Paris Hilton's continuing effort to gain respect with the black demographic, she gave $100 to a bum after pulling out of a Mcdonalds drive-thru. I'm pretty sure this was a set up to make her look generous, so assume this is just an actor. You can watch the video here, or just read below.

The bum said:"You Paris Hilton! Can I get a hundred dollars?" Before Paris could answer, he said "how 'bout a dollar?" But Paris was already handing him a $100 bill, and the man took it.

I didn't get the nickname Johnny Generous because I'm a stingy person, it's because I give everything I have to the less fortunate. I haven't got the publicity I deserve, but the cancer patients I help know I care, and that's all that matters. If you could see the look on little Petey's face when I was his secret santa and paid a hooker to show him her tits, you would understand. But he has cancer, which I'm pretty sure is a condition people get that don't have hair, so pray for him.

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Britney Spears reportedly had a tummy tuck after the birth of her second child, Sutton Pierce Federline. If you're an idiot, you won't know that a "tummy tuck" is a surgical procedure that reshapes the abdomen. They basically remove excess skin and fat from the lower and middle abdomen in order to tighten the muscles.

The Bosh claims: "Britney is so desperate to have her old body, she couldn't wait for the weight to drop with exercise."

Look, I'm not one of those hippies who believes in natural stuff like exercise or trees. However a girl chooses to lose weight is fine by me, as long as she loses it. Back when I was a big shot surgeon in Beverly Hills, I use to do this operation all the time, but those days are over. Apparently they revoke your license when girls wake up and see you wearing their panties like a mask. Stop being so sensitive. Share them.

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Kate Moss took time out of her cocaine habit to visit Pete Doherty at The Priory rehab this weekend. They were all over each other, and with patients watching, the two practically had sex in public.

One man said: “It happened between half six and seven o’clock on Sunday evening. There were a group of people attending a self-help group for the day. Because it was pleasant weather, their leader suggested they move things outside.“But during their session they noticed a couple getting rather fruity on a nearby bench. They were kissing and groping each other. Hands were going up clothing and there was lots of groaning. They were practically having full-blown sex."

I'm not saying this didn't happen, I'm just saying it's hard to trust a bunch of junkies hanging around a rehab center. In the current guide for picking up women that I'm writing on the back of my hand, the best place to pick up girls is at rehab. They are desperate and easy, which is the perfect combination. In related news, the pen I'm using to write this guide is blue.

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In completely unshocking news, Willie Nelson has been arrested for possession of marijuana and mushrooms after a Louisiana cop smelled pot during a traffic stop.

IMDB says: "State troopers claim they found over a pound of marijuana and less than a pound of magic mushrooms. Nelson and four others were issued misdemeanor citations for drug possession. Each was released after being issued a citation."

It's got to take an expert detective to realize Willie Nelson's tour bus may or may not have marijuana in it. As soon as they cops saw the multi colored bus racing down the street with a big "legalize pot" sticker on the side, they probably thought they had weed. People always judge a book by it's cover, especially when women see me walking down the street. They have countless thoughts run through their heads: Champion weight lifter? Sex machine? Kick boxer? Secret Agent? Big penis? You ladies are so sweet.

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