Celebs, Hot Celebrities, Celebrity Pictures

While most of the time Eva looks like every Mexican that cleans hotel bathrooms, this time she looks like one on vacation. Only hot. It's amazing how a girl bending over can instantly make her a great person. She helps animals, I hear.

Eva Longoria has finally married long time boyfriend and San Antonio Spurs point guard Tony Parker. The morons in France require a couple to get married at city hall before their real wedding, which they just did, and the fancy shit will happen tomorrow.

The Daily Mail confirms: Eva's co-star Teri Hatcher led the arrivals in Paris followed by Felicity Huffman and husband William H Macy in anticipation of the second nuptials tomorrow. Other stars also in France for the wedding include ex-Arsenal star Thierry Henry, Sheryl Crow and Fantastic Four star Jessica Alba. Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones are also expected to attend. The couple's civil ceremony is required by French law and will precede Saturday's religious ceremony, which will be held at Paris's Eglise Saint-Germain l'Auxerrois, followed by a typically extravagant party at 17th-century castle, Chateau Vaux-le-Vicomte.

I'm not really sure how Tony Parker was able to trick Eva Longoria into marrying him, but I'm sure he's a sorcerer or something. He probably drinks frog blood and dances around fire. Nah, not that. She's really just overrated. She looks like most women I've seen cleaning hotel bathrooms.

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Please believe me when I tell you that I didn't win 37 fashion shows because I know nothing about bikinis. And I wasn't nicknamed "The Fashion King of LA" just because of my great smile. That's why I don't feel bad about puking on my keyboard every time I see Eva Longoria get dressed. Most unsexy bikini ever? You better believe it!

Eva Longoria took part in some silly charity event this weekend. I heard it had something to do with curing cancer, but most people just went to watch Eva dive. But not me. I went for the children. Take that, cancer!

OK, so I'm obviously followed by hot women wherever I go, but I've never gone to a club and seen two girls like this before. Dancing together. The girls I hang out with usually need a fake ID to get into a club. And by "club" i mean "my bedroom."

Eva Longoria has claimed to "Live Magazine" that she likes being tied up during sex. The 32 year old actress has also revealed a bunch of other tempting (read: tedious) facts about her incredibly hairy self. She says, "Every girl should have a Brazilian wax. It's my sexy secret. And I only ever wear thongs. I don't own a pair of knickers with a proper back to them." Then she adds that she hates when men whistle at her on the street. She says that kind of behaviour is "so unsexy, so uncool." She says, "if I see any builders working in a street I'll turn right round and walk in a different direction. I hate all that shouting and whistling."

Saying provocative things about yourself, then being snotty to men with shovels is a very common strategy ... or, at least, it's a common strategy amongst women who wind up with search parties looking for them in a swamp.

"Over here, Jerry! I think I see Eva Longoria foot!"

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