Celebs, Hot Celebrities, Celebrity Pictures

I don't know who Kelly Brook wants me to kill by looking at me the way she is in her new photo shoot, but consider them dead. If I was a hitman (note- I really am a hitman) and she slid a envelope over to me with a photo of the person she wanted killed, the picture could be my own mother and I wouldn't even charge her.

According to a study conducted by scientists and Blender Magazine, K-fed will die in 26 years. The magazine takes into account Federfag's age, height, smoking habits, alcohol abuse, and marijuana. After that it claims he will die at the ripe old age of 55.

Gerontologist Dr. Demko claims: "Kevin will also need the common sense to ditch the smoking, booze and drugs, which will give him 16 more years to enjoy Britney's money and watch his four (and counting) kids grow up."

I'm not going to lie and pretend like this won't be a bigger day than the superbowl, because I'm already tickled. You know that everybody hates you if people are constantly trying to figure out the day you're going to die. The last time I predicted someone's death I caused the poor girl to get a eating disorder. Ahh, good times.

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The hottest girl in the world, Scarlett Johansson, became a big fan of Nazi memorabilia while filming The Black Dahlia in Bulgaria. Scarlett became extremely interested in all of the artifacts she found that related to the Nazi's.

She says: "There are a lot of strange things. Like if you go to markets, there is all this Nazi paraphernalia you can buy. It's really interesting. I really enjoyed my time there. It's a fascinating city."

Scarlett Johansson has an effect on me that most people will never understand. She hates the Jews? Me too. She could promote slavery and I'd be on the front line for her campaign. I would start hanging black people if she just licked her lips in front of me. I'm really not joking. I'll pretty much do whatever a hot girl tells me to do, and if they have low self-esteem, it's even better. A girl with low self-respect is always down for anal. Trust me, my friends.

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Local nut job with no talent, Pink, had a magic spell put on her husband. Pink, who is married to motocross racer Carey Hart, has revealed the witch's spell will ensure that he would never leave her.

She told Britain's Glamour magazine: "I have a friend who is a white witch and, on my hen night, she cast a love spell on Carey and everyone showered me with rose petals. It was amazing."

There's nobody that hates Pink more than me, and this just clarifies my belief that it is OK to hate somebody without ever meeting them. I'm not going to pretend to know what exactly a white witch is, or what the hell a "hen night" is, but it's safe to say the thought of her covered in rose petals makes me want to vomit. The only people that should believe in witches are loser goth kids who pretend to be depressed over a troubled past, but everyone really knows they wish they had a varsity letter.

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Every once and a while a mediocre chick decides to let her boob hang out to take back some attention that hotter girls get without doing that. Don't get me wrong. I'm not against girls showing me their boobs, actually I encourage it, but there's something strange about this. After discussing the possible solutions with many smart scientists who wear glasses, I figured it out.

The truth is I've looked at plenty of naked Barbie dolls, and they're no different than Victoria Beckham. Sure, her body is near perfection, but I'm pretty sure that her vagina is just like Barbie's. It's just a skin colored outline of underwear with no hole to stick your penis is. And it says "made in Taiwan" on her ass.

The first picture down there is the full nipple slip, and obviously NSFW.

Britney Spears and her husband Kevin Federline have named their second child Sutton Pierce, which is not only a gay name, but it's the same initials as their first child, Sean Preston. I'm sure Britney thinks this is cute, but it's embarrassing. Not only do these kids have to grow up with white trash father like Federfag, but now they get to have matching pink sweater vests.

I'm basically an expert on naming children, because I once found a baby rabbit and named him Herbert Humperdinkle. It was a big hit through the neighborhood. The guys saw me as a entrepreneurial genius, and the girls really saw me as a sweetheart. I loved the little guy, but I think he died or something. I can't remember, I was playing Nintendo I think.

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Lindsay Lohan fractured her wrist after falling at a Fashion Week party in New York. Lindsay's publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, claims that it was Milk Studio's fault, and not Lindsay's.

Sloane added that "there's a pending investigation" into the accident, after Lohan claimed Milk Studios didn't take proper measures to prevent her from falling.

I'll usually take any girl's side that I want to have sex with, but I don't know why you really need an "investigation." Let's investigate why Lindsay spends more time at the hospital than a 87 year old paralegic, HIV patient. Every time she falls down she breaks a bone, it's really unbelievable. My bones never break, I drink milk, baby.

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A classy guy like myself usually doesn't look at Maxim magazine, mostly because I respect women, but this is different. Vanessa is doing an interprative photo shoot that represents the abolishment of slavery, so don't feel bad about masturbating. Unless you're racist, you bastard.

Sean Penn recently broke the anti-smoking ban in Canada. He lit up during a press conference in a hotel at the Toronto Film Festival, where he is promoting his new movie All The King's Men. In the state of Ontario, smoking is banned inside public places, and now smelly hippies are outraged.

Michael Perly, boss of the Ontario Campaign for Action On Tobacco, said: "It was such a flagrant breach of the law. It absolutely should be a target."

I'm not sure that Sean even knew there as a no smoking law in Ontario, and if there was, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't care. Besides worshipping snow geese, people from Ontario are only known for ice skating and wearing funny hats. So what if he smokes inside. He's famous, so he's better than regular people. Especially minorities.

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Not only is Jessica a top secret scientist for NASA in her spare time, but she can also touch the ground with her tongue. puhhh, and you thought your girlfriend was cool. Loser.

It has been 15 months since the engagement of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, but they still haven't had a wedding yet. Katie's parents, who are hardcore Catholics, refuse to attend a Scientology wedding, but It looks like they are working it out.

Katie's close friend told Us Weekly: "All I really know is that the wedding is soon! They will surprise us all." Another source close to the couple claims: "It's going to happen in the next three to six weeks."And Tom's representative said: "The wedding is still in the planning stages. They're really excited about it. They have always said they will be married by early autumn, and they are still in that window. They can't wait."

I'm not sure what a Scientology wedding may or may not entail, so I'm only assuming that you slaughter a goat from Russia and drink the blood of a virgin. It only seems right. I feel strongly that there will be some type of costumes worn by the participants at the wedding (rooster outfits?), but I'm still waiting to here back from my scouting manager.

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For reasons that I may never understand, Britney's website now growls at you. Not only does it growl at you, but it also shows her morphing into a tiger and then back into Britney again. Boy does that morphing tiger with a deadly snarl make me anticipate the re-launch of her site. Please move the children away from the computer before you click on this link to go to her site. This is not a game. Check this out by clicking here.
Or if you're smart and sexy, you already figured out you could have clicked the picture.

Rachel Bilson is reportedly set to play Wonder Woman in the new, very anticipated comic book movie. The part has been very much up in the air ever since Kate Beckinsale turned it down.

The report claims: "Bilson has already proved her suitability for the iconic part, after she donned a Wonder Woman outfit for a sexy seduction scene in The OC"

I've always thought Rachel Bilson was cuter than a puppy biting your ankles, and seeing her in a sexy Wonder Woman outfit will only force me to spend the $87 on a movie ticket. Seriously, it would be hard to find someone more adorable than Rachel. I'm positive if we had sex my penis would spit out rainbows, bunnies, and a beautiful sunset; instead of cum. True story.

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After years of drug use and bad music, Whitney Houston has finally split from her husband, Bobby Brown.

Her rep Seltzer confirmed:"She has filed for divorce from Bobby Brown. We're saying she filed for divorce because that is (Whitney's) intent."

Didn't The Bodyguard come out in like 1990 something? Because it's been like 10 years since that movie, and I can't think of any reason why she's still in the news. Besides hitting the crack pipe like a seasoned veteran on an HBO hooker special and looking like a poodle who was put in a blender, she's worthless. I'm not much of an historian, but I'm pretty sure the dead sea scrolls say something about punching her square in the head.

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Justin Timberlake appeared on MTV's TRL this week to promote the release of his second solo album FutureSex/LoveSounds. While he was there, he was basically forced to dance with these two fat girls that are his "biggest fans" and "waited in line all day." I don't know what you do if you're these two fat girls. You just met the man of your dreams and he looks like someone shot his favorite kitten with a BB gun. I'm pretty sure these two haven't missed a meal since Jesus was born.

Rosie O'Donnell has dissed Lindsay Lohan for her behavior on her recent film and insists that Lindsay will end up in rehab. O'Donnell thinks Lohan is headed for danger if she doesn't change something.

She explains: "(Lindsay's behavior on her latest film Georgia Rule) was unacceptable. It's not like she was doing Dumb & Dumber 2. It's a Jane Fonda movie! Be early! I saw (Lohan) stumbling around a club drunk (once) and her mother was going, 'She's all right!' I can say this from experience: it's hard to be famous, and she's not doing it well at this point. But she'll get into rehab, take care of the eating disorder, and be all better in two years and have a huge comeback."

I've run into problems like this before when everyone is fawning over me. There's always some fat kid - or someone who won this year's math award - that wants to start judging me. They ask, "Where will you be in 5 years?" I never have a good answer because it seems so obvious. Knowing the Pythagorean Theorem will get you a fancy Math-letes t-shirt, but it won't show you how to bang some girl's tits. Or have sex with a cantaloupe. They key is a microwave, my friend.

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It's about time someone famous stepped up to set the bar for young women everywhere. Listen up girls. Have you purged yet today? Because you have a lot of work to go if you want to have a body as close to perfection as Kelly Brook. And I'm pretty sure it says in the Constitution that all hot women have to do the crab walk while in bikinis. Sorry girls, it's the law.

Simon Cowell ran into a strange situation while buying toothpaste and shampoo in a Miami Beach drugstore on Monday. He attempted to use his American Express Centurion Card (aka The Black Card), which has no limit and can't be declined, but it wouldn't work.

Page six explains: "A witness reports the Brit became annoyed, as did the line of shoppers behind him. Cowell, embarrassed but determined, dashed out to his waiting driver/bodyguard and returned with a wad of cash. "

The black card is usually used to purchase things like airports, high priced escorts, and fancy islands; so it seems a little extreme that Simon would even attempt to use it on a 99 cent Oral B toothbrush. This basically proves that he's the kind of guy that would abort a baby by sending a starved tiger at the woman. Sure, the clinic would work, but a viscous tiger guarantees victory.

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I don't really have anything to say, except brace yourself for an exciting adventure and freshmaking experience.

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Brad Pitt has announced that he will not do any more sex scenes in movies, because he doesn't want his kids to see him in the nude. Brad has decided that he will only do films that his entire family can see from now on.

Pitt is quoted in the Sun newspaper as saying: "I do think about what they are going to see and certainly some of the stuff I have done, what they are going to see when they grow up and I am a little concerned. It definitely colours what I'll approach in the future. I will try to be a little more mature about my decisions I think."

Most people don't believe I know a lot about children, but based on my "uncle of the year" t-shirt I found in a shopping cart, I do. I usually bring children to my apartment so they can see sex tapes I made with various women. The kids always ask why the picture quality is so small and blurry, but after I explain that it was a pen camera I had hidden in the light, they understand. Explaining the handcuffs is different story altogether.

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