Celebs, Hot Celebrities, Celebrity Pictures

While every blogger west of the Mississippi is claiming Paris Hilton was caught with a bag of weed, I'm telling you it's probably not. According to the pot I have growing under my high powered fluorescent lights, this looks nothing like it.

Last night her publicist commented on the pictures, saying:"Things are not always as they appear. It would be unfair to draw any conclusions based solely on these photos." (Also, it's been reported numerous times that Paris does roll her own cigs.)

Look. I hate Paris as much as the next person, but I'm not going to sit here and pretend like I don't know about drugs. In completely related news, she's still a dirty tramp.

Good news. Not only does Jessica care about poor people, but she isn't wearing a bra. I'm not so sure if the poor people thing is true, but if Jessica keeps forgetting her bra I'll spread nothing but good rumors about her. Oh yah, she also donates 20 kagillion dollars to AIDS research year!

Eva Longoria was rushed to the hospital after she fell on the set of Desperate Housewives. If anybody still watches this damn show, you'll be glad to know she won't miss any work due to her ignorance.

Her rep said:"Eva slipped on one of the stairs coming out of her trailer. Nothing is broken, but her ribs are very bruised."

I always look at people who fall down like they're second class citizens, maybe even peasants. I have never fallen down once in my life. Ever. And I never will, because I'm not some dipshit who can't walk and breathe at the same time. The only people more asinine than people who fall down stairs are people who run up the stairs using their hands and feet like a dog. Yah, you know you're friends with these people, don't pretend like you have no idea what I'm talking about.

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When I first watched this video, I thought that somebody was playing a joke on me and replaced Lindsay's sister with the Keebler Elf. But yes my friends, that is Ali. And she lacks all the talent and sexiness necessary to make a penis hard, but I'm sure she sells some good cookies.

World famous fat ass and lesbian, Oprah Winfrey, collapsed from heat exhaustion during a recent visit to her hometown of Kosciusko, Mississippi. While opening a boys and girls club, Oprah fainted when the temperatures got too hot for her weight to handle.

An onlooker claims: "Just as Oprah was about to cut the ribbon, she collapsed. She was getting dizzier and dizzier, she started sweating profusely and her vision became blurred. Her knees were buckling under her and she nearly blacked out. Oprah quickly stepped back and found a seat. She tried to revive herself by putting cool compresses on her head and drinking liquids. Oprah made light of the situation, telling everyone it was due to the heat."

The only thing I hate more than people who respect Oprah are fat people. Oprah is really working with a double whammy, because she can't change either of those. You never see a bear wrestler or street fighter collapse from cutting a freaking ribbon, because they're in shape. Oprah really needs to spend more time on a tread mill and less time biscuits with gravy.

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One of the things that makes Jessica Biel an excellent work out partner is her ability to go the extra mile. Whether it's in the gym or in my personal life, I have the same attitude. I start out every morning biking down the 24 mile hill known as "devil's backbone", and I finish up my day teaching deaf kids sex ed. You wouldn't believe it, but the deaf girls love me, baby.

Nicole Richie and Brody Jenner have officially split up, but Nicole seems to be taking it pretty harsh. She is acting like she doesn't care, which always means she is probably crying herself to sleep.

Richie's rep made the statement: "Nicole and Brody are no longer dating but remain close friends."

But Nicole posted on her myspace blog yesterday:"I know there are rumors regarding my "breakup" with Brody Jenner. The truth is, we were never really together. We hung out, and he's a nice guy, but my heart was never in it. Anything further is just a cry for publicity."

The best way to show somebody you hate them is to pretend like you never liked them to begin with, which is exactly what Nicole Richie is doing. When a girl breaks up with me I usually take it to a different level. Not only will I deny I liked her, but I'll start a rumor that she has cancer. When she says that isn't true, I'll tell people she has a smelly cooter.

Regardless of completing rehab after his recent DUI arrest, Mel Gibson was seen getting drunk in Austin, Texas.

A witness said:“I couldn’t believe my eyes. Mel Gibson was swigging a Bud with two adoring young women hanging on his every word.” Another source backed this up: “He definitely was drinking Budweiser. I saw him.”

But people in Gibson's camp are claiming he wasn't drinking:“The story’s not true. He wasn’t drinking anything alcoholic."

I'm pretty confident that Mel will drink until the day he dies. He just loves it too much, and it's not worth stopping things you love. When I rescued Melinda from the Enchanted Forest of Darkness, she told me to never stop loving her, even if we both didn't make it. Well, she didn't make it, but I won't forget her advice. The autopsy said she died from a fractured skull, but I know she died of a broken heart.

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The relationship with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn seems to now be completely over. They never confirmed that they were actually dating, but nobodies really that stupid.

Vaughn told a friend on September 13: "It's not common knowledge, but we're not together anymore. We've split up."

Also, a friend close to Aniston confirms the two are no longer dating, adding: "They're 100 percent done."

I don't know what Vince was thinking to begin with. Dating Jennifer Aniston is like dating your grandmother. It's fun to play gin rummy 5 nights a week, and bingo the other two, but it gets old. A lady in the sack should be like a hungry panther, but I'm sure Aniston is about as boring as a VH1 reality show.

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The reason K-fed has been partying nonstop since his second child was born is because he is now entitled to get more money if Britney splits from him. The marriage agreement gives Kevin $5 million per child, and if you haven't gone to a community college, you know two kids equals $10 million.

A family member claims:"Britney was leaving Kevin but then got pregnant again. He would have gotten $10 million."

I'm not sure who Kevin had arrange his marriage contract, but it's the sweetest deal I've ever seen. Not only has he turned one of the hottest girls of our generation into a big ankled buffalo, but he's getting more money than anyone expected. While I'm forced to wear my socks inside-out because I can't afford to do laundry, this guy is getting millions if women stop having sex with him. argh.

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I'm not going to pretend I understand what Aaron Carter's dance moves are suppose to mean, but If my brother was dancing like that I'd be pretty pissed too. I'm only going to ask that you put the kids to bed before you watch Nick yell at Aaron using his "sword hands."

There comes a time in every woman's life when she has to accept the fact that she can't eat anymore. Well, maybe a bag of peanuts here and there, or something you might throw to the pigeons in the park. This just isn't right. If I was having sex with her chin, I'd be worried my penis would vomit instead of cum.

Paris Hilton and Shanna Moakler have both filed police reports early Wednesday morning, claiming that each was attacked. Paris is claiming Moakler punched her in the face, while Moakler claims Paris' ex - Starvos Niarchos - pushed her down the stairs and also poured a drink on her head.

TMZ has heard: "... the bad blood between Hilton and Moakler is over Hilton's friendship with Travis Barker, Moakler's estranged husband. A source in Paris' camp claims Moakler recently left "menacing" phone messages on Hilton's answering machine."

You can actually watch a video of Shanna calling the police about Paris here. It isn't real exciting, but she looks too hot to have been pushed down a flight of stairs while having Starvos pour drinks on her. Or maybe she's some kind of mutant. Either way I don't care. If you punch Paris in the face, you're OK in my book. If only she had a butterfly knife with her. Or a black person.

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Jessica Simpson is so sexually frustrated that she has become an insomniac. Hopefully, she will start to have a lot more sex.

She told Jay Leno: "Falling asleep these days is impossible. I end up laying on the floor and start thinking about what to dream about until I fall asleep. I'm a little sexually frustrated right now, so if you tell yourself what you're gonna dream about then you can have a really great night."

The best part to Jessica's problem is that the answer is so simple. All she has to do is find someone (cough- me) to have sex with her. I know it's impossible because I'm a busy man who volunteers his time at the fire department taking kittens out of trees, but if I don't save the kittens who will? Will you?

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Great fashion designers in Europe have decided that Mischa Barton has the fashion sense of a badger on acid. Seriously, I usually wear the same pants everyday and a t-shirt I slept in, but even I know more about fashion than Mischa. Well, I guess when you bang supermodels sideways you pick up a thing or two.

George Clooney has devised a plan to end all the paparazzi and gossip. He doesn't believe this genius plan will really happen, but believes it would change the face of society as we know it. The only problem is, it's a stupid plan.

He says: "Here is my theory in debunking photographs in magazines. You know, the paparazzi photographs. I want to spend every single night for three months going out with a different famous actress. You know, Halle Berry one night, Salma Hayek the next, and then walk on the beach holding hands with Leonardo DiCaprio. People would still buy the magazines, they'd still buy the pictures, but they would always go, 'I don't know if these guys are putting us on or not."

I don't know who George thinks he's fooling, but I think we can read between the lines. He's obviously just looking for a way to hold Dicaprio's hand. We're not idiots. I've always been able to get women jealous, because all it takes is sending them a video tape of you having sex with their best friend. Or you can stick a knife in a teddy bear's head and put a note on it's chest that says, "you." Or set their house on fire. Ahhh, gold comedy.

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Tom Cruise has stated numerous times that he wants another child with Katie, and he's either getting one or Katie's putting back on weight. Since I'm really a big shot doctor posing as a blogger, I'll be honest and tell you about how a woman's body works. When they eat, they get fatter, and when they have unprotected sex, they sometimes get pregnant. Man, my med school is practically paying for itself right now.

I'm going to be honest. I had that first pregnant pic below enlarged as the main pic for this post, but I really kept getting sick to my stomach. I really don't feel well even talking about it, but I know some sick bastard out there will want to masturbate to a picture of pregnant Britney licking a lolly pop. Anyways, these are from the new Q magazine, if you're wondering. Oh, and I'm only going to warn you once. That pregnant picture is super high res, so don't say I didn't warn you.

Every once and a while people wonder why hot girls like Jessica Simpson are famous. She can't act, sing, or even tie her own shoes, but she can obviously do other stuff. Like this thing here. She can swallow a flaming sword, a snake, a guitar, or even a penis. The possibilities are endless.



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Scarlett Johansson has been been officially named Esquire magazine's Sexiest Woman Alive in their November issue. The photo shoot is suppose to be extremely hot, so I'll post the pics when they show up, which will hopefully be later today.

Scarlett had this to say about getting the title: "What about my brain? What about my heart? What about my kidneys and my gallbladder?"

Aww, That's so cute Scarlett. But nobody cares about what's on the inside, you should know that by now. I'm pretty sure Scarlett isn't smarter than a box of saw dust, but I'd purposely lose to her in any game just to make her happy. 5+5=7 you say? Yes, you're right honey. Now bend over and pick up that pencil.

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