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The mirror is claiming that Jessica Simpson wore a fake mustache so she could drink at a bar without being spotted by her fans.

A member of the London Rowing Club, who were training in Spain, tells us: "When she finally said she was Jessica Simpson, we just laughed at her because she was wearing this dodgy moustache. Eventually she got out her driving license to prove it was really her. She was game for a laugh and was still downing drinks with us until the early hours."

Every once in a while I wonder why this woman is famous and successful- which ironically doesn't happen while I'm banging retarded girls and imagining they're jessica. It just goes to show you the mind is a powerful thing. Every once and a while the retard will try to speak, but I make sure to keep them in their place: "Listen here retard, retards don't talk, you're not even human." But then my imagination says: "Do you really want to blow this chance with Jessica Simpson?" 80 percent of the time my inner monologue finishes it's conversation between the time I'm burying the body or tieing a garbage bag around her head.