Celebs, Hot Celebrities, Celebrity Pictures

In what could be one of the stupidest decisions in either one of their lives, Eva Longoria and NBA star Tony Parker have chosen to get married

Longoria's rep confirmed: "Eva and Tony are officially engaged. The couple have never been happier."

Based on this diagram I made out of used Q-tips, I don't think anyone cares about Eva Longoria, nevermind Tony Parker. She's one of the few actresses in Hollywood that I have never thought about in a sexual way. She could be wearing a French maid outfit while vacuuming my rug and I'd just be checking my watch, wondering when I was going to be able to hear my TV again.

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It is starting to look like Lindsay Lohan may be trying to get sober. A Los Angeles spy claims to have seen her yesterday at a 7:30 a.m. AA meeting.

A friend of Lohan confirmed: "She has attended several meetings and has hopefully decided to turn her life around - this time for good. She is out of control."

The chances of someone getting sober in AA are the same as me wearing pants while updating this site. My sexy Ninja Turtles boxers are just too sexy to hide. Most supermodels cuddle around me when they see me strutting my stuff around the mansion, but others are only thinking about sex. It's just the way these women think. There's not much you can do.

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Rumors are circulating around Hollywood that claim Paris has been giving Britney pole dancing lessons. I normally wouldn't give much credibility to this story, but the very respectable Sun is reporting it.

A source said: "Paris took Britney upstairs in her house where she fitted her in a blue tu-tu, and then Paris put on a matching tu-tu. They then went downstairs and danced at Paris's in-house stripper pole."

You can usually judge the class of a woman by whether or not she has a stripper pole in her house. I'm pretty sure Paris is the last person a girl should take stripper lessons from. It doesn't mean you're sexy just because you bang anything that breathes. It just makes you a whore. And Paris stripping is equal in seduction to a baby penguin being run over by a train.

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The Star Salary Top 10 list has come out and it has Nicole Kidman leading the way. Only six of these ladies have picked up an Oscar, not surprisingly Drew isn't one of the lucky six. Or unlucky even.

The Database reports: "1. Nicole Kidman ($16 to $17 million per film); 2. Reese Witherspoon ($15 million); 3. Renee Zellweger ($15 million); 4. Drew Barrymore ($15 million); 5. Cameron Diaz ($15 million); 6. Halle Berry ($14 million); 7. Charlize Theron ($10 million); 8. Angelina Jolie ($10 million); 9. Kirsten Dunst ($8 to $10 million); 10. Jennifer Aniston ($8 million)."

If the world were at all fair, Nicole Kidman would be the wicked witch who was planning on destroying a beautiful kingdom. Regardless of her super powers driven by her black soul, a young hero - who is known for his charismatic style and heart of gold - is the only one who can stop her. Sound familiar? Yes, I am the hero, my friends.

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No that's not a boarder jumper. That's one of Christina Aguilera's bodyguards carrying her after she was fall-down drunk while leaving the Kabaret at 5am yesterday morning. It's actually impressive that she is able to keep her head covered and still hold onto this guy. I can't even come out of the shower with a towel wrapped around my waist, nevermind balance a coat on my head.

In what could end up killing thousands of people, Lindsay Lohan is taking shooting lessons in order to be prepared for her trip to Iraq. She is going to be singing to some troops there on December 6th, and for some reason feels the need to be a trained killer.

Lohan said:"I'm not afraid of going. My security guard is going to take me to a gun range and I'm going to take some shooting lessons. He says if I'm going to go there I should really know how to shoot."

I can say with 100% certainty that I would never go anywhere if the conversation started with, "you should really know how to shoot a gun." I'm pretty sure terrorists would laugh if Lohan ever threatened them. If she had a gun pointed at her, I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to stick a cork in the end of the barrel to reverse the bullet. Bugs Bunny style.

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Most people probably will have trouble believing this, but Snoop Dogg was arrested again Tuesday night for possessing drugs and a firearm. Shocker.
TMZ says: "Detectives from the Burbank Police Department served a search warrant on Snoop, whose real name is Calvin Broadus, outside NBC studios in Burbank at approximately 7:30 p.m. this evening. Police say they found the rapper in possession of cocaine, a firearm and a large amount of marijuana. He was also cited for allegedly having a false compartment in his vehicle."

I don't know when this guy will get it. If you dress in gang clothes and your name isn't Winston or Clearance, cops are probably going to assume you're up to something. That's why the cops never found me after I stole the Pandora Diamond. I'm a master of disguise. They could never believe one of their fellow detectives was the real mastermind behind the biggest heist in Europe.

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Early reports are claiming that Kirsten Dunst has been sporting a baby bump on the set of Spiderman 3.

Star's spy claims she has been:“wearing baggy clothing, ordering big boxes of sweet chocolaty treats, and overheard complaining of lower back pain and nausea during filming”

If this baby doesn't come out looking like a evil swamp creature, I don't know what it will look like. I can only imagine that it's hands will look like some type of flippers and it will probably have a tail. I'm not sure yet if the tail will have a spike on the end of it, or possibly a ball with a bunch of spikes, but I'll do some more research.

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Umm, I just posted a clip of Lindsay claiming Paris hit her, now she's claiming that someone made up that lie? If your computer is fast enough, fast forward this clip to 3 minutes and 40 seconds. You will see Lindsay claim somebody made up the lie while she gets into Hilton's car. What a mastermind. I'm pretty sure I know retarded people with no vocal chords who can come up with better lies.

Yesterday, X17 had a video of Lindsay saying that Paris threw a drink at her. Now The Sun has a video of Lindsay and Paris getting in a huge verbal argument. The new video shows the two having a screaming match outside Hilton's Hollywood mansion on Saturday night.

Lindsay yells stuff like: "Paris Hilton is crazy" and "Paris is a cokehead." Then you hear Paris screaming: "firecroctch" over and over again.

It's probably not as exciting as I'm making it out to seem, but I usually exaggerate everything. I honestly go to bed at night praying that some good Samaritan will drop a bee hive on Paris Hilton's head and kick her into a pit of wolverines. Please God. Please!

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In the beginning it's exciting when a girl forgets to wear panties, but if she always does it, it just gets boring. This is nothing like my volunteer work. People always tell me: "Don't you get bored cleaning those rocks on the beach after the big oil spills?" The answer is simple. No, there is nothing boring about it. The environment is something we shouldn't joke about. And make sure you rotate your tires, kids. Stay tuned to The Darkhat for more important news.

Not that anyone probably cares - but if there is any Hilary Duff fans out there - you'll be happy to hear that she has finally broken up with Good Charlotte's Joel Madden.

Good Charlotte's manager Steve Feinberg, confirmed: "Joel is at present, single."

Most claims that the 8 year age difference was the reason Duff dumped him, but nobody really knows. I can only imagine dating her would be like dating one of those dog toys. The kind that squeak real loud and get annoying all the time. Yah, that's her. Nothing but a dog toy. Based on how far apart her eyes are, experts at NASA believe she is really an alien from the third moon that circles the planet Yenton, which is located in the Bantash galaxy. True story.

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After only 4 months of marriage, Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce from Kid Rock. They claim it happened last week, but they are only talking about it now.

Pam did confirm it on her website by telling everyone: "Yes, it's true."

Since we are all being honest here, I'm going to say 4 months was a lot longer than I thought it would last. Most of my relationships last 2 weeks. Tops. And that's only if the girl likes to spoil me with gifts. Sometimes it seems like there's too much loving to go around. Other times it seems like they escape from their cage. Or they learn how to escape from that secret grave under my porch. Damn you, Lindsay! How did you find that tunnel?

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Many people are claiming that Jessica Simpson is extremely nervous that a sex tape of her and Nick Lachey will be leaked onto the internet soon. Sources claim that the video has fallen into the hands of the same people who leaked the Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee tape.

A source told Britain's Daily Sport newspaper: "Jessica is horrified her name and sex tape are being mentioned in the same sentence. She's always been a girl of high morals and principles."

When I think of a Jessica Simpson sex tape, the movie in my head shows nothing but fireworks and an overview of earth with everybody holding hands in harmony. I've already masturbated 3 times while writing this post, so you can only imagine the video will be better. I don't know if you know this, but if she's having sex she will probably be naked. Probably.

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Some people judge the class of a woman by the way she sets the dinner table, while others judge it by the amount of times they wear panties. You know, God has a funny sense of humor. Back when Britney was hot, we were lucky to see her in a high skirt, now she shows more cooter than a crack whore. And the glasses. Wow. I'm pretty sure every call girl in Vegas has those. Are you getting ready to invade Mars with those?

Regardless of the language she is speaking, scientists who have expensive pens and laser pointers have determined that Paris Hilton is still annoying. As seen in this Italian cell phone commercial, the only thing you will think about is jabbing a stick through her eye. Or hanging yourself with your shoe laces.

A devil creature like Lindsay Lohan always has the ability to shape shift. One of the reasons so many girls send me flowers and chocolates is my ability to seduce them at any moment. Only a select few know the truth, which is that I wear the charm of malan. Yes, I found it in South America. And yes, I had to shoot my way out of that damn cave.

Kevin Federline was basically destroyed at the American Music Awards, which took place a few days ago. It really has to suck to have millions of people laughing at your failures. I know it sucked for me when Johnny Baker tripped me before I gave my big speech on diffusing cultural differences in the middle east. Everybody at school laughed at me and I ran away in tears. Well who's laughing now? I'm not the one that works at the car wash. Take that, Johnny!

You always hear stories about athletes that make other players around them better. Think of Jason Kidd. When he's on the court, everybody plays to their top potential. On the same note, Paris Hilton has the ability to make every girl around her more whorish, which is why Britney doesn't mind flashing her cooter. What do I contribute? I'm a natural born leader with a history of astrophysics. What don't I contribute?

After Michael Richards' racist rant last week, Jaime Foxx has threatened to physically beat up the former Seinfeld star. Regardless of the fact that Richards did apologize, Foxx doesn't care.

Foxx said:"When I see him, it's on. I'm not going to let him get away with it. If I'd have been in the audience he would've had to put his dukes up. He probably should go get a private island somewhere, cause if I see him ..."

It's always crazy how people try to solve hate with hate. It just doesn't work. Like this time I cheated on my girlfriend and she wanted to get back at me by sleeping with my best friend. "This won't solve anything," I told her. And when I did it again, I told her the same thing. After the 5th time she ended up cheating on me, and even though we were broken up, it didn't solve the problem. If she baked me some cookies or sent me some flowers it could have changed me. But sometimes people don't change.

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Maybe it's because she's half naked or maybe it's because you can't see her face in most of the pictures, but Penelope is looking like a stone fox. I beg that you don't look at the first picture in the second row, I've heard wise men tell tales that her look could turn your soul into ice. And she will eat your first born. With gravy.

This is a clip from the new Dead or Alive movie, which is an adaptation of the best selling video game. Jaime Pressly is probably the biggest star in the movie, but Sarah Carter is hot and fighting in a bikini. The only thing that would be better is if I had some general tso's chicken right now. And yes, it doesn't matter if it's 10am in the morning. I'll even eat it cold. OK, I over-sold it. Honestly, this is the most long winded bikini scene in a movie ever. I never watched it the whole way through. I had to lie to look like the alpha male, but I'm really just a scared little boy who's looking for the approval of his father. DAD! Where are you?

While getting ready to sing at Jay-Z's release party in Vegas, Paris Hilton shocked everyone when she vomited on stage before her performance.

The Sun quoted Joshua Radin on his myspace blog saying: Paris, who had been swilling straight vodka from a Grey Goose bottle for hours, has the people in charge throw her record on the stereo for her to lip sync. She gets up on stage, pukes, leaves. The music business is charming.”

It's actually nice to see that Paris is a human. I don't think the drinking had anything to do with her puking, it was probably hearing the sound of her own voice. Everytime I even look at her, I get that feeling that psychics talk about in horror movies. You know, the chills up your spine, the feeling of uncertainty, and the complete knowledge that a catastrophe is about to happen.

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Yesterday TMZ said that K-fed and Brit would put an end to the sex tape controversy, but it took forever before they actually made an announcement. Now Kevin Federline has finally made an official statement that "there is no sex tape."

Federline's attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan said:"There is not a sex video of Kevin and Britney in existence. It goes without saying that the stories of Kevin attempting to sell such a video are patently false and anyone who reports that they have information of such attempts is either lying or reporting the lie of someone else. It would be impossible to comment upon and correct all of the other misinformation about Kevin that appears on a daily basis and consequently no attempt has been made, or will be made, to do so. I hope that the public and media will keep this in mind before assuming accuracy of facts from Kevin's silence."

I'll be happy if this is the last post I ever have to write about their bullshit sex tape. The only thing weird about the story is how that porn king claimed K-fed tried to sell the tape to him. If you can't trust a porn king in this day and age, who can you trust? I trust my dog. He's friendly and when I say "tadpole" he'll bite the eyes out of the first stripper he sees.

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I'm not a girl, but I'm confident that I take better care of my hair than Britney. She probably owns $30,000 in hair products, while I buy the cheapest stuff east of the Mississippi. Sometimes I don't even use shampoo. I'll just spit in my hand and away I go. Fashion at it's finest, baby!

After exchanging vows before a Scientology minister - who's qualifications were probably gained by slaughtering a chicken in the middle of a pentagram - Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes engaged in a 3 minute kiss.

Jerry Bruckheimer, who attended the wedding said:"They had a very long kiss, The highlight was at the end of the whole ceremony. Everybody went outside this beautiful castle and all of a sudden these fireworks went off from all around the castle ... Just amazing. They are both so happy and so into each other. It was a pleasure to be there."

I wouldn't know how to act in a situation like that. A wedding kiss should be 5 to 10 seconds. Tops. Not 3 freaking minutes. At first you hear the crowd going "OOOHHHH." The next thing you know people are checking their watches and wondering what the hell they are suppose to do. Do they keep cheering? Throw tomatoes at them? Leave? Masturbate? Who knows.

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